Permission To Procrastinate

Something I've learned since March 2020 is how little I rested before March 2020. At the close of 2019 I remember thinking, "2020 will be MY year." I had plans. I had goals. I was going to be SO PRODUCTIVE.

And then a global pandemic said, "LOL NOPE" and forced my family and the families of most Americans into a weird holding pattern, trapped between the stress of being deemed unproductive by an unforgiving economy, and being relieved for a federally sanctioned reason to rest. We were ALL so tired and then we just got even more tired.

As the months passed this limbo felt like a heavy weight upon my shoulders. "This was supposed to be MY year!" I cried into my pillows. I lost two family members. I lost a few friends. We lost jobs. We lost income. We lost so much. I felt like I was losing myself sometimes too.

I didn't lose myself but, I got so close. By January 2021 I reached an impasse: my obsession with returning to "normal" wasn't serving me because the normal I wanted was gone and would never return. The fact is, we are all different now. Regardless of your beliefs or politics, we have all been permanently altered by the events of the last year and a half. But, I'm not sure we realized it. I know I didn't.

And then I got sick. It might have been that big, scary thing. It might not have. Long story, but I got one of those quickie tests and it said I was negative, but I had been exposed and if it wasn't that one thing, it was the worst flu I've ever had. It felt like hell, I'll tell you that. The last time I was that sick I was hospitalized and I felt myself nearing that point before the fever finally broke and I started healing.

I was forced to rest. I had no choice. I couldn't move. I couldn't eat. I lost weeks of my life to it. Honestly, I feel like I lost over a month because even after I started to mend, I still didn't feel like me.

So I rested for a solid month. I unintentionally lost weight because I wasn't eating. I had no interest in it. My body could barely function and I had no choice but to let go of my plans and goals and give in to the inevitable: procrastination.

Over the course of that month, and the months to follow, I've really had to put my policy of "listen to your body" into practice. I found myself needing to procrastinate more and more. It didn't matter what my plans were if my body didn't have the strength to sit up in bed and eat a bowl of soup. Things had to be pushed back or paused. I had no choice.

And it was kind of life-changing for me.

I'd spent most of my life feeling so ashamed of not being productive. Working 60 hours or more a week seemed normal to me because that's what I had to do to survive. I remember holding down 3 jobs at one point; waking up at 6am, working until 11pm, getting into bed around 12:30am, then waking up less than 6 hours later to do it again.

I was terrified of being unproductive because for me that meant death. It meant poverty. It meant I'd failed.

And I carried this trauma with me, long after I'd been able to stop working so many hours and in such demanding jobs. I could have started resting much sooner than I did, but it took me 18 years to realize I needed it. It took a global pandemic to force me to slow down.

I know now that life is actually quite long. It can be short for some, but many of us will live long lives. And if I function under the belief that I'll live a long time, suddenly the way I spend my time feels very important.

I don't want to spend my time circling the drain of productivity while it sucks the life out of my bones. I saw what happens when I chased after productivity: I got so sick I was almost hospitalized. And for what? I mean, really...for what?

After the year I've had, I'm over this obsession with appearing productive. I'm going to rest when I need to. My dishes might not get done right away. My laundry might pile up. Emails might go ignored. And internet content might be sparse.

But, that's okay. I only have this one life to live. I'm giving myself permission to procrastinate a little. Because I deserve rest. And you do too.

Thanks for listening. I love you. See you soon.