Why I Went No Contact With My Dad 14 Years Ago

I don't talk about my dad a whole lot because it's complicated. My relationship with him, view of him, and the stories I'll likely never tell about why he's no longer in my life are all too messy and layered. But, in short, I went no contact with him more than a decade ago. And I'm glad I did.

Choosing to cut a parent out of your life should never happen on a whim. The cut is so deep for all involved that there have to be reasons it's worth the pain it will inevitably cause people. That's how it is with my dad. There are layers to this thing that go back to a time before I was even born. Deep layers you can't begin to put together or understand unless you lived it too. Unless you grew up in it as well.

Some wrongs were just too wrong. Some sins can't be forgiven. Some apologies will never be spoken. And some wounds will never fully heal.

There are layers to an adult child's choice to go no contact with their parents. Which is why it's crucial that the decision is made with great reverence and consideration. The full consequences have to be considered. And accepted.

I accepted the consequences when I was 26. It finally clicked that it wasn't going to "get better" and instead would likely get much, much worse. I wasn't going to back down from my stance. I couldn't. And neither could he.

Before I proceed, I want to acknowledge that I made mistakes. The kinds of mistakes mentally ill young people make when they don't want to be alive and they don't want to be alone but they don't know how to accept love and kindness and don't trust people and want so desperately to belong but struggle to do just that.

I was often immature, selfish, cruel and unpredictable. I was damaged by my parents' upbringing and by poverty and by sexual assault and by homelessness and by domestic violence and by growing up in an alt-right religious cult. I was a product of my raising, through and through.

And I hurt people. My parents included. My mother once called me her karma. And it's true. She and my father sewed those seeds and I grew them up tall and strong.

My absence in my father's life is probably welcome. It's peaceful. I'm sure he experiences the same level of calm without me in his life as I do without him in mine. Because it's just too complicated to work out.

Even with apologies or boundaries, sometimes there are too many wrongs and just not enough rights. I saw the writing on the wall. So, I made the choice to end the relationship. To go "no contact." And it was the right one.

My teenager is approaching adulthood and I think a lot about how I would feel if one day they just ghosted me. I'd be devastated. Obliterated. And mostly angry at myself.

As a parent, I am the one who sets the tone of my relationship with my kid. If I sew judgement and shame into them, that's what will grow and eventually turn on me. If I sew rejection and negligence, it will return to me in kind. Because I'm the parent and they are my child. I set the tone.

So, I work very hard to sew compassion and empathy. I sew forgiveness and grace. I sew into them all the love, and courage, and kindness I can, believing with every fiber of my being that they will take what I have sewn and they will cast it out into the world and sew their own seeds of goodness. And maybe they'll even sprinkle some on me.

When we go no-contact with our parents, it's because they grew us into thorns and nettles, and then wonder why we sting them. They rejected our beliefs or identities, but can't accept that we also reject theirs. None of this happened on accident. Everyone had a part to play.

But as parents, we played the biggest part in the play of parenthood: director. Sometimes we play the main character too. And that means we must carry most of the responsibility for the outcome of the relationship we have with our children. That's part of the job of raising humans.

I was 26 when I went no-contact with my dad. I'm almost 40. And I don't regret it. I don't hate him. But, I also see him with very clear eyes. And I don't respect what I see.

I don't respect his priorities. I don't respect the choices he made. I am at an age where I'm facing many of the same struggles he faced as a man in his 30's and 40's. And it wasn't so hard for my spouse and I to make better choices than the ones he did. As a matter of fact, it was so easy to do what's right that the older I get and the older my teenager gets, the less respect I have for him as a parent and as a person.

There's no going back from that. When I consider the choices he made at my same age and older, I'm disappointed. And being disappointed in your parents is a terrible feeling.

My father and I lead separate lives. And that will never change. And that's okay. It's okay for us to be related, but not in a relationship. It's okay that our lives are better without each other in them. It's okay that we're happier apart.

Going no-contact is a big decision. There are consequences. So, make your choice carefully. But, also know that there's peace on the other side. And love. So much love.